Taking care of mom and dad alone can be a stressful situation and is not an easy task for an adult child. With the amount of medical, financial, and emotionally sensitive decisions that need to be made, it can be a complicated process. Having adult siblings around to help can make the situation even more complex. Even though they can be very helpful and offer much-needed support, the added family dynamics can cause stress, and the caregiving process will often cause riffs between siblings. Facing the reality that an elderly parent needs care can be an emotionally overwhelming process, and how each sibling’s unique personality deals with that often adds stress to the situation.
Common Stressors Among Siblings of Elderly Parents
Old roles and rivalries among family members can resurface when caring for the well-being of an aging parent. Each sibling has a different relationship in the family and with the parents, and this often affects what role they think they should have in caregiving. In many cases, the eldest sibling feels the caregiving responsibility falls on them. Sometimes the child who sees themselves as the “good” child or the most loved will take the responsibility. Siblings who feel like a disappointment to their parents may feel less inclined to take on caregiving responsibilities. The stress of creating a care plan can also bring back or enhance sibling rivalries and feuds.
Dividing Family Caregiver Responsibilities
Another stressor is dividing family caregiver duties and sharing responsibilities. Author Francine Russo’s research on siblings and caregiving found that in 90 percent of families, one sibling carries most or all of the senior living burden. This is an especially frequent problem in situations where one sibling lives with the parent, or at least nearer than the other siblings. This problem can also relate to the different roles and relationships each sibling has previously had in the family.
Navigating Financial Matters and Long-Term Care Insurance
An additional aspect that can be a danger to sibling relationships is money, specifically how much money should be spent on aging parent’s’ care. Brette Sember, author of The Complete Legal Guide to Senior Care, said most of these issues arise from not understanding the parent’s care needs. With many long-term care options available – in-home caregivers, assisted living facilities, skilled nursing facilities, moving in with family, etc. – siblings may disagree over what is the best and most cost-efficient option for the parent. Some may disagree over whether medical intervention is even needed. Many of these disagreements can be fueled by ongoing resentments of income disparities.
“Money is a big, big issue, particularly when there may be enough left for inheritance after the parent passes,” Sember said. “All the sibling resentment you dealt with as a kid comes roaring back at this time. This is the time when power struggles in families come to the forefront.”
Communication is Key When Making Important Decisions for your Senior Loved One
Eliminating the previously mentioned stressors will make the caregiving process much better, but it is often easier said than done. The most helpful tool is open and honest communication between siblings and parents. The best way to accomplish this is to have a meeting in person or even over the phone where all the issues and options are discussed. Siblings should be willing to listen to each other and consider each other’s suggestions.
Finding Common Ground
It is good for siblings to figure out their caregiving roles, but the roles should not be based on assumptions. Siblings should determine what is expected from each other. Even if one sibling doesn’t want help with caring for a parent, she may just want acknowledgment and recognition for all she is doing. Each sibling has a different personality and set of abilities – these should be accepted and are best utilized when they are properly focused on how they can help. It is best to keep what one “should” be or do out of the conversation.
When it comes to sharing the responsibilities of caregiving, there’s no one solution that works for everyone. Every family is different, so every family should work together to find the best arrangement for them. One sibling may handle financial or legal matters, while another handles medical issues, and another helps the parent maintain the house. If one sibling lives with or near the parent and provides most of the hands-on home care, then other siblings could financially compensate for doing their part, or offer to spend their vacation time caring for the parent to give the other sibling a break. Siblings should be specific about what tasks they need help with. Sember said that “shared responsibility” means different things to different families. “Acknowledge that everyone has different abilities, resources, and availability,” she said. “Give everyone some kind of responsibility, even if it means writing a check or calling mom once a day to be her sounding board.”
Funding Senior Care
Because financial issues can be one of the biggest sources of conflict, siblings should be straightforward in their conversations about funding their parent’s care. In many situations, especially those where sibling conflicts are still not being resolved, having a family meeting and seeking professional advice can bring a helpful perspective to the table. Russo agrees, saying an outside observer helps siblings take an objective view of the situation. “An outside social worker or a mediator can say ‘Here’s what your parent needs. Here’s what’s available. Now, what are you each willing to contribute?” Russo said. Companies like Amada Senior Care have advisors that help families determine what type of care is best for the aging parent, and are experts on the many options for funding eldercare.
Preserving Quality of Life for Your Senior Loved One
It’s important to remember that the healthiest and least conflicted families are ones in which the parent’s wishes are known. If the parent completes an Advance Health Care Directive, the adult children will know the parent’s end-of-life care wishes, which can avoid a lot of unwanted stress and decision-making in an emotional time. When it comes to caregiving for an aging loved one, siblings should focus on the facts and have a clear understanding of what the parent’s needs are. With open and honest communication, siblings can eliminate stress and provide better help for each other and for their aging parents.
Avoid Family Conflict with Amada Senior In-Home Care
If you struggle to agree with your siblings about caregiving, Amada Senior Care can help. We offer in-home care services that can provide your aging parent with the assistance they need, without putting a strain on family relationships. Our caregivers provide hands-on care 24/7 to help with tasks like bathing, dressing, grooming, light housekeeping, and more. Contact us today to learn more about how we can help you preserve the quality of life of your loved one.
